say what you want. say what you will.

I finally agreed to the egregious, offensive and ambiguous Elle Jay TOC.
I want to at least have the option to back up my journal and maybe say some goodbyes...

This whole thing makes me mad - not the least because of current affairs.
I'm mad at Brad, mad at six apart, and SUP can fuck right off.
And the Russian Federation...
'nuff Said

At it's prime Elle Jay was the very best of the internet.
Of all the virtual communities i've ever been part of, it was, by far my favorite. The only thing close was the very early days of SFGoth list. I felt engaged and engaging. I kept in touch with distant friends, and made new ones. It had just the right ballance of public and privacy. I was sad to see it dissolving, but to see it undercut by six appart, and the further dismantled by SUP...and now this inevitable mortal blow. The took something beautiful i cared about and flushed it down the toilet.

I'm angry and sad.

but it doesn't really matter what i think... it's done.
As the great sage Don Henley said: "Don't look back."

"You can never look back"



"I thought I knew what love was."

"What did I know?"


"Those days are gone forever."




"I should just let 'em go"




guess i need to figure out this dreamwidth thing.
Anyone want to have a dreamwidth migration party?

I just want to say-for the record-it really sucks that one's feed only goes back 30 days anymore - sometimes less.

and save randomly hopping through your friends list their's no easy way to see
whose posted recently outside that

it's bullshit.

It’s easy to be cynical and disparage thanksgiving, but like anything it’s exactly what you make of it.

Much Valentines Day (as i like to talk about) it’s easy to decry it a commodified faux-holiday, to say you won’t buy into the hallmark holiday... Or you can take the excuse to share love and appreciation of those that mean the most to you. Hallmark isn’t going to notice if you boycott, the only ones you're robbing is yourself and your loved ones.

While the historical legacy of thanksgiving and it’s presentation in popular culture are undeniably fraught. I’ve always appreciated the traditional gathering of chosen family, coming together around hearth and meal
...and of coruse the wonderful exercise in being humble and appreciative.

It may sound ungracious, but it’s legit hard to be thankful this year. We lost Mr f. Lost Dani. Lost so many Heroes. It feels like we're in real danger of losing democracy and civil rights. Money is tight. Work is unhealthy. Our art-space is on the brink.

*but* There are always things to be thankful if you're willing…

and perhaps especially in times like this when it seems the hardest… it's most important to recognize what blessings we do have and be thankful for them.

So here are the things i’m thankful for...

First and foremost i’m thankful for my partner. We're entering our tenth year together. Tho she is struggling just as i am, she has been incredibly supportive these last few hard months. Helping me out in so many ways. The clearest example was when i found out Dani had died, i tried to call her at home but couldn’t talk… without another word she rented a car and literally came to my side. Not only keeping me company, but taking me to be with friends, and then helping me get home safe. But there are so many examples: bringing me food when i’m pushing hard and failing at selfceare, Pitching in at the shop when i need it most. Helping me with purge and clean. championing self care like sleep, downtime and returning to therapy. Just being supportive and encouraging when i’m down. Big patient and giving me space when i’m struggling. Holding me when i’m at the lowest. Being understanding and encouraging of my new relationship. She grounds me, supports me and cares for me. I'm so thankful.

I’m thankful for my paramour: a long time collaborator, who slowly became a friend, which intern blossomed into love. Our chemistry is surprising, our tempos seem to sync naturally in passion, productivity and play. She never pressures me to be more than myself, yet encourages me to do better. Her optimism, faith and encouragement help keep my head up. When i can’t keep it up she is patient, concerned and compassionate. I don't know what i did to get two such wonderful women in my life.

I’m thankful for my community although theirs at least two edges to it… I’m thankful to be part of a broader community of engaged, smart, talented and big hearted people, who push themselves to make the world better and weirder, in small and big ways day in and day out.

I’m thankful for my (relative) health. Improved diet and activity helped me shed 60lbs over the last year. This has had a dramatic affect on my asthma, my knees, and my apnea. I’m proud of myself for making these change, and thankful for its effects.

I’m thankful for american steel studios. It may be in flux, beginning a new chapter, or winding down to its close. But i’m so thankful this weird, crazy, magical, filthy, artistic enclave existed at all, much less grown and thrived these last 8 years, and more thankful we got to call it home.

I’m thankful for my home, it’s tiny and it’s up so many flights when the elevator is down, but it’s warm and dry, and private, It suits our needs, and it has a lovely light well with a trees in back, and it's all ours.

I’m thankful for my bike. There are so many ways a good motorcycle rewards you. It makes every day a bit more efficient and a a lot more fun.

I’m also thankful for real life rainbows.

I’m thankful for shimmering reflection of headlights dancing along rainstick Jersey barriers

Lastly I’m thankful for the brave, strong women and men of conviction on the front lines, in Standing Rock, in Ferguson, in Baltimore, in NYC, in LA, in Boston, in Washington. Pushing back against the forces of corruption, hate, xenophobia, apathy, and greed. Protesting, Organizing, providing Aid, Reporting, Petitioning, Defending, and occasionally even Legislating.

Why Hello my mostly imaginary viewing audience
I feel a bit like Mr Robot, well Elliot in Mr Robot…¹
Talking to people who (mostly) don't exist.

This more meta post, than a post… so this note is sort of a meta-meta-post… and that was a meta… well you get the idea.

So I'm refocusing on writing here ..again...
yes, yes i know…i know…yes, i know... I said this a lot like 3 years ago²... and then fell off just as often...
but this time i've actually posted at least once a month for 3 months before making my bold proclamation...

yes...this time i mean it!

Even if you were real, my dear imaginary viewing audience, you probably wouldn't require a lengthy break down of why i'm coming back to LJ, (and why i mean it this time)...but for my own overly analytical reasons³ i'm going to explain:

So yeah life has been extra terrible. Or at least my subjective experience of it - I am an unreliable narrator after all - for roughly the last 18 months has been extra fucking terrible...

and as i've alluded i've been feeling progressively more isolated from my friends for...when honestly i think this has been going on for years. at least 6 years. I want to write more about this specifically in depth at some point... but suffice to say getting older, and more adult... collectively it seems like we all have less time for each other. I honestly struggle with the effects of this on a daily basis.

If my last two posts didn't make this abundantly clear: My depression has been the worst it's been since probably ’06⁴... you know when lived in a shipping container and figured my best course of action was go work in iraq. Weather this is cause or effect of the above i'll leave up to others to decide.

I'm also not currently in therapy... i'm actually trying to find someone in my insurance network, who is more inclined to CBT or similar proactive processes than my last therapist.. but at this moment i do not have a lot of avenues to process out.

If you've been with me long enough you know that around the aforementioned '06 i decided i my Elle Jay was too negative all the time, and i was projecting too much angst in public in general… i came to the conclusion I needed to appear more chipper and together outwardly, share angst in more controlled private settings… or i'd erode my credibility and loose all my friends... so i decided to mostly just choke it all down and keep it inside. This made me feel more 'adult' but also more untethered internally… and, well maybe i simply realized that too late… but i lost most of those friends anyway, and you're all imaginary here so i’ve nothing to loose... So i'm going back to venting all the dark shit here because i need some outlet before it before it rips me to fucking pieces. Of coruse the really dark shit will be more filtered than average⁵… and it's not just about the dark shit...
its about having a work surface to untangle my thoughts
as much as arena to dual with my demons...
and i'm gonna try to keep a balance… too keep posting positive things too… but i’m not going to censor myself like i was.

and of course this is the right venue… it goes w/o saying Facebook is an invasive, profiteering, cesspool with a bad UI & twitter tho it has its uses is both the wrong medium and wholly lacking the privacy controls for the sort of blogging i want… i've dabbled briefly with medium… and may keep that for public/political long-form posting, but not for private posting

Also on the not entirely self absorbed side …amazingly both of my partners⁶ still use Elle Jay sporadically. Being here more regularly means i’m less likely to miss their content, and vice versa. And i think 2 or 3 of the 5 people i still confined in IRL sporadically read if not post here.

Also I honestly miss this place. I got so much out of it for so many years… and i'm still friends with most of the people i was on here, and most of them still have accounts… I know it will never be the same, but even if get a bit of that back with a small handful of people… i think it will be worth the time and effort for me.

so yeah in conclusion… i’ve been thinking about this... maybe too much… and i’m gonna write here more.

...this time i mean it!

Elle Jay is Dead, Long Live Elle Jay!

footnotes, yes this non-post-post has a footnotes section... of course it does!
1 Mr Robot is TV show on USA (1st season also on net-flicks currently) a surprisingly good, technically accurate, clever and dark series, if you haven’t its so worth seeing.
2 Ahem SIX years ago asshole: Yes, i AM on a mission to personally repopulate lj with content
3 If you can’t be overly analytical in Elle Jay…
4 Specifically the last three months from early July to Mid October have been fucking brutal. I’m kind of surprised i’m still here. ...But i do also think things are finally turning the corner, but its hard to be sure… its hard to objectively track your mental state outside your mental state… but i think the last two weeks at least indicate an upward trend.
5 As vacant as this place is these days i've loosened up my filters... less restricted than i would have been, matching what would have been [trusted-friends] will now be friend, and thing that would have been [filtered-friends] only will be [trusted-friends]...
6 Yeah, i totally dropped that partners-plural casually like it was no thing. I’ll get to that shortly, but i needed to finish this first.

It is 1:04am
It is January 25th 2015.
I am suddenly back in Las Vegas.

Back east a blizzard rages.
In milwaukee my uncle's empty south side house is smothered under silent snowfall
His partner is one year gone, and he is here with us now, asleep across the hall

Back home in SF Karl is tucking the city lights in,
not 6 hours ago i left the earth there.
taxied through SFO's vast field of vivid colorful lights broke free over the black bay waters
and somewhere in nobhill, on the 6th floor my partner slumbers fitfully in a half empty bed

Outside their is a light drizzle slicking the streets, reflecting the towering neon monuments to artifice and hubris
tourists and taxis slip through the night

While i lay still, studying the inert fan anchored dead center in the ceiling
here in my parents spare bedroom
in the spool bed, this bed my mom slept in in my grandparents house when we first moved back to the sates.
It was so high, when i had nightmares I had to step on the phone jack on the baseboards to be able clamber into it to curl up at my mother side.
Now i barely fit between headboard and footboard with bended knee

I gase down the walls, my mothers diploma, my own, a poster i silkscreened at the art institute in 96 and hung in bus shelters across north beach, and photo booth picture strip we took in london in 1980...

I am surrounded by artifacts of our lives, and yet this small modern plaster box and i have no history. it feels foreign. so cold and empty.

Roughly two miles, down swenson almost to flamingo
Jeanette Mustain Ryerson is also asleep in an unfamiliar room.
at the Nathan Adelson Hospice
The flame of her life is slowly fluttering out.
So we have gathered, in sadness, in desperation, in fealty, in reverence to witness it's extinction.
There is nothing to be done, but pay our respects, make her feel as comfortable as possible
and wait.

The new strategy:
I’ve declared my return to Elle Jay many times, but sooner or later I've alway fallen off the wagon…
Yet I have years worth of unfinished posts saved in e.mail, in txt files, in stickies.
In order to get this going I’m going to have do something different.
I have to change the way i approach it.
I have to be a lot less precious about it.

As much as I despise twitbook.
It’s easier to use, because your expectations are different.
Here I expect to have composed thoughts in long form collecting processed reflection
On twitbook I expect short unvarnished immediate thoughts, sometimes in series.
What i need is shorter less varnished posts collecting processed reflection
Posting a rougher shorter entry is better than the longer more writerly post that never gets finished.
Getting a series of related posts out over a week that build on one another is better and easier than trying pick-up put down, and re-edit and manitian the same tone in one intertwined post over the course of a week.

So these are my new rules:
#1 When you start a post, don’t stop until you finish at least one whole thought. One whole thought can be posted.
#2 When you have that first whole thought, Spell check it, but don’t edit it.
#3 Post it.
Addendums
#1 If you have changes, or embleishments you CAN EDIT it once its already posted.
#2 If you have more changes, or embleishments you CAN EDIT AGAIN once its already posted.
#3 If you have related thoughts you want to work in, make subsequent related posts.

So if you are infact still reading me. you can expect more, shorter posts, that are works in progress and may get eddited two or three times after they've been posted.

Rolling over an enumeration set in our chosen calendar
is of course a completely arbitrary, and an entirely human construct .

But in the chronology set encompassed by 2013 a lot of shitty things happened.
I wish I could say it was an amazing mix of good and bad…but the bad simply overshadowed the good

And I am clinging desperately and wholeheartedly
to the notion, near superstition it may be
that 2014 will usher in better things for me and mine.

Hello live journal. It’s been a while.

In September I was trying to put into words the profound and gut-wrenching process of slowly losing Dawn, my uncle’s partner of over two decades, to cancer.
And more specifically watching my uncle go through the process of at slowly taking on responsibility for all her needs medication, food, bathing, changing and simultaneously watching his life partner erode bit by bit everyday all the while knowing the their can be only one outcome

Finding words to do any of those larger than life, but totally mundane human experiences justice was nearly impossible and the post stuck in my throat.

Before I could sort it out …she was gone.
And now I was searching for the words for another post.

And is it always does, life goes on …until it doesn’t.
and my words just never caught up.

A gifted artist I admired killed herself.

A larger than life friend who was as vivacious as he was eccentric died suddenly. He was an elder statesman of depravity who anchored a huge corner of our social group for countless years.

Most of the members of my family have been struggling with medical issues, of the sort that both erode quality of life, and signal the approaching end.

In the midst of all this I somehow managed to turn Fourty.

Then, one last bomb drop, a long time acquaintance I’ve been spending more time with lately, ironicaly over our shared interest in shooting, also took his own life. It was clear he’s been having a very hard time, but it was so clear, to us, at least he still had SO much going for him, not the least of which was those dependent on him.

Its certainly been a mortality themed winter

Through it all I’ve wanted to write so damn much to get all these terrible, wonderful, inescapably human feelings out, and in recording them maybe make something seem just a tiny bit less impermanent.

And yet I find I am impotent of tongue and pen…
As universal, timeless and well documented these things are …
I can not harness with in my meager vocabulary the words to contain, package and present the depth and breath of the blows to the heart, the pain, the grief I feel, have shared and been witness too.

I feel at once entirely helpless and utterly hopeless.

So here’s to 2014,
filled for the moment with promise of everything 2013 wasn’t .

And do not forget: life is short, take nothing for granted, and be good to each other.

In mid 2008 i designed these stickers
i was, understandably appalled by this affront to the constitution and the Geneva convention.
That it lingered after 6 unholy years.
I think contrasting the US POW flag with the orange gitmo jumpsuit underscores hypocrisy of it all.

Then Obama was elected.
First Promise, First Term he vowed to close this abomination.
so i never printed them.



Now it's 5 years later. Into his second term, and after ELEVEN years their still there
hunger striking.

I'd like to print these stickers now, but i'm again between gigs, and can't afford the entire run, so i'm thinking i should try crowdsoursing funding...
I don't think this is quite big or complex enough to warrant a kickstarter, but if you'd like to help, or like a sticker consider sending a small paypal contribution to biddin@necrosis.org with a note mention the PWO project + if you want stickers where to end them
I'll supply one sticker for every dollar, 12 for every $10, and 25 for every $20
If their isn't enough interest, i'll send it back.
If their is more interest, i'll print more.

also consider placing an urgent call to the White House now at (202) 456-1111 and deliver this message against Guantanamo:

"I support closing Guantanamo. President Obama can and should resume transfers of cleared detainees, today. Indefinite detention is a human rights violation. All detainees should either be fairly tried in federal court, or released." Or see other sample messages.

thanks